On Feb. 28th, I had the opportunity to attend the play, CockTales: The Penis Monologues at Univ. of Puget Sound. Proceeds went to the local sexual assault center, and as I walked through the door, someone from the sexual assault center handed me a card with the statistics: "1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have been sexually assaulted."
I was offended that such a card was being handed out at a event promoting men's issues, what in means to be a male, learning to love yourself as a male, etc. However, I also had mixed feelings about the card. I thought, "Well, at least they're now admitting that sexual assault happens to men," because I have often read statistics and heard presentation where people say that sexual assault or domestic violence doesn't happen to men. But I felt angry that this card was being handed out as fact when it is quite obvious that in our society men are embarrassed to report something like being sexually assaulted or beaten up, especially when a woman in the aggressor.
For better or for worse, women in our society are encouraged to play the victim, and men are told that they should not, cannot be the victim. Men should suck it up and "act like a man." So, when instances occur when a man is indeed the victim, he is quite confused and doesn't know how to act or even what to say: there is no name, many times to put on a man who's a victim of a woman. So, many men are embarrassed or don't even know to report when a crime has happened against them.
We simply don't know that 1 in 33 men have been sexually assaulted. This may be the reported number, but there are many more instances that go unreported, especially when it comes to men.
It's too bad that we could not have had a discussion about these problems after the play. The play itself was humorous and insightful at times. I was pleased and excited that men at the school were stepping up and talking about some of the struggles and joys of being a man.
The play is meant to be a spin off of the "Vagina Monologues," and in some of the monologues, the points were made well. In many of the monologues, though, the script was read, not memorized, and that was disappointing to me. One guy talked about how he is a feminist, and he kept apologizing about talking about men's issues. He said, I would really like to be able to love my body, but I feel guilty about it, and I feel like it's not ok for me to be proud to be a man and be a feminist at the same time. Some of what he said was profound, but I felt sad that he kept having to qualify everything with, " . . . but I'm a feminist."
Another presenter stood up on stage and showed pictures in pop culture of the ideal male body, and he pointed out that men also have an image to live up to (as women do). Then, he pulled off his shirt in front of everyone and said, "Women, get used to it: Most of us men are not going to look like Vin Diesel." He said, I don't have pecs and six pack, I have man-boobs and a beer belly.
Two players talks about their relationship as heterosexual "life-partners." They made some good points about how its important for men to have close relationships with each other, and we shouldn't let homophobia keep us from having deep relationships with each other.
The last presenter was perhaps the most powerful. He read his story of how his girlfriend announced to him that she had been pregnant but had aborted the baby w/out telling him or consulting him. He talked about how he felt angry and cut out of the decision process for such a momentous decision. He said he didn't want to take her ability to decide away, but he would have liked to have been included.
I think we need more discussions on what in means to be a healthy male in our society. Men shouldn't have to be ashamed to be men. They shouldn't be told that they will never be victimized, or that they are rarely victimized. Abuse and sexual assault are human problems, not gender problems. Women will benefit much more and receive less oppression from men when male culture in the US is more healthy, when men can admit when they are victims and be proud of the things that make them a male. Men and women both have things to be proud of and ashamed of that the sexes do.
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"He talked about how he felt angry and cut out of the decision process for such a momentous decision. He said he didn't want to take her ability to decide away, but he would have liked to have been included."
What would that mean? We've talked about this before, but just wanted to comment because Mark and I have had this conversation about a dozen times.
So she chose to have an abortion. If he'd have had imput, what would that mean? He says "no, don't do it," so she doesn't? That's not input, that's veto power. But if she disregards his input and does it anyway, he basically doesn't have any say. Neither situation is fair, but it's her body. Besides, if she doesn't want to be a parent (let alone carry to term in the first place), what is he going to do, file for custody of an infant? Not to say that it hasn't been done before and done well, I just feel like accomodating to his desire to have input would end up taking away her decision-making power.
My point and his is not to take away her decision-making power, but to give him a voice in the matter. As it was, he's the one who had no decision-making power.
To allow him to voice his opinion, even if she ultimately decides to reject it, is an improvement over her completely cutting him out of even a discussion about something he had 50% in creating.
To me, allowing someone to voice his or her opinion is holy. If people feel heard, they can feel included in the process, even if the ultimate decision goes against their wishes.
You at least gave Mark the courtesy of voicing his opinion about the situation, even if you eventually went against his wishes. In this situation, the man wasn't able to voice his concerns.
It strikes me as highly manipulative of her to inform him of her decision after the fact. What was her motive in telling him after she had had the abortion? His voicing his opinions about what to do with the child had no relevance at that point.
One of the classic actions of oppression is to silence people and not allow them to voice their opinions. Even in a "democracy," we're supposed to allow people to respectfully speak their minds, but her decision took away his ability to practice this very basic form of empowerment. It does not threaten her choice for him to speak his opinion.
Hey! I just saw on your Palestinian blog that you have this blog! Very cool!
It was interesting reading your points about CockTales. I'm sad I didn't get to go with you.
I think the point in handing out the male statistic cards was to give the hard facts of what is reported. I guess they could have done better by giving a disclaimer, that many more men are not even counted in the statistic, but I think they did a good job in even broaching the topic. I was shocked it was 1 in 33--I didn't know it was even that prevalent, because I apparently am mis-informed. The card would have educated me.
Anyway! Glad you went! I'll go next year.
~Jen
Dear Sweet Onion :)
Thanks for your comments!
At an event focusing on the male side of sexuality, etc., I would hope that the myths spun by the radical feminist side (i.e., how men are always the aggressors and women always the victims) would be challenged, if not overturned.
Like I mentioned in my post, I was pleasantly surprised that they decided to include at least the 1 (in 33). However, this sort of thinking and shoddy research has no place at a male sexually oriented event (given the topics discussed during the monologues).
The people handing out these cards get plenty of air time. It wouldn't have hurt the cause of domestic violence for there to be a more balanced perspective at this sort of event.
In my experience both in the US and in the Pacific islands, about one in three girls and one in five boys say by their own definitions that they have be sexually molested. In domestic relations, men are more likely to be physically violent but it is not uncommon to find physically abusive women. There are widely-shared commonalities amongst physically abusive people. Psychological abuse is common from both sides, and can be extremely corrosive.
As a survivor of domestic violence from a woman (my mother)and a man (my spouse) i can tell you that many more males suffer abuse than the statistics have guessed at. There are studies indicating that about 34% of families have domestic violence and that about 40% of it is directed toward males (60% if we talk about just beatings and not sexual attacks -- it seems about 50/50 for emotional/verbal violence). From 22 years of work in prisons i cant report that app. 98% of female inmates have been sexually abused and about 50% of male inmates have been. I estimate at least 85% of men incarcerated are survivotrs of childhood physical abuse as well as witnesses of it.
There is a school of thought that thinks that it hallows suffering if it is gender-marked [women are some who not allowed to suffer?] and others who think that it diminishes women's suffering if they admit that some women are perpetrators too. hi ho!
As Treye says, Human problems are by and affect humans. There are so few thinhgs that affect only one sex -- even pregnancy and 4-hr erections (Thank you Viagra ads for letting the world know...)
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